I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
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Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
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Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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