you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Randomize
