I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
