I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm at about main and main street
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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