Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
