It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
