Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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