So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
