i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize