Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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