I just pynch a tree in the face
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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