i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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