If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dear god my vagina.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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