Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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