I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Text me some of your sweat
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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