Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
This house was built for laser tag.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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