so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
