She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
