when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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