your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
he high fived his dick after we had sex
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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