So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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