I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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