watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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