1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
