I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize