I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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