Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just invented taco cereal.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
