i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize