im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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