He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
