if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just google imaged poop.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
