I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
