I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My Higher Power is John Stamos
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
