just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
