I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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