Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
