Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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