I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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