Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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