one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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