his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
