I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
