someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
