I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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