I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
