peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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