I didn't shave. On purpose
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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