Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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