please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
