Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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