I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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