everyone is single if you try hard enough
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
