I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
