I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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