I am in a vortex of obligation.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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