Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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