hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
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Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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