If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
